ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
