You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
