Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
