I can tuck mytits in my pants
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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