its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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