i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
She said her name was "party"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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