thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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