I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
