I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
