I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
3pm strippers are depressing
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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