My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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