I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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