If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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