i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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