The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
