There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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