How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
