i think my tv is drunk
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Thank you for not boning my boss.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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