My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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