i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
