This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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