Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
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I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
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You are a booty call, not a friend.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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