the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
