so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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