her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I want her autograph on my taint
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
