She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
