Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
