I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
