Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
