I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
