Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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