if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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