I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
