I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
