mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize