Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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