i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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