Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
