So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
