Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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