I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
