nut hugger
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
