Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
