So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
