Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
