There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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