Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
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I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
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this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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