i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
