My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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