i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
