Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Randomize
