meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
