It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
