What did we do last night that was yellow?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
