the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
We smell like vodka and hangover
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