i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
