Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
